A lot of my happiest and saddest memories of grief, loss and pain involved using marijuana. I can recall many “happy” days with people who have passed...Now that I actually sit here reflecting on any time that I have ever felt “happiness”, I realize that I was always high. It could very well be a coincidence, but who knows. I fear, after leaving detox, I may only remember “happiness” as being high. I used drugs more and more when my life felt “happy”. Sometimes, in my pain, when I would feel the most consumed by the loss of my friend, I would feel so helpless that I thought that I had no other option than to smoke away my sadness. I didn’t do this so I could sleep or to be in a vegetative state, but I would do it in order to function; wake up, get dressed, drive to work, and then work a 10-hour day where I only didn’t rupture emotionally because of the help of the weed. I fear that after getting sober I will not trust any other system other than lighting up to relieve my mental pain, guilt, shame, and self-hatred. I pray that one day I will be able to be a responsible version of myself. I have a lot of hope.