My Struggle With Codependency

There are many things I have struggled with throughout my life, but codependency is probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. All my life I’ve been searching for acceptance and trying to avoid rejection at all costs, even if it meant doing the wrong things to make others like me. I can be a very 2- 3- 4-faced type of person when I’m unhealthy. To be accepted, I have lived many different lives that weren’t indicative of the real me. In high school I was rejected by everyone with the snap of a finger.  I had to leave all my friends who were my age and I hung out with much older people who were my brother’s age. There was a lot of drugs and drinking and to be accepted, I joined in.  Even though I knew that I was destroying my body, I didn’t care as long as I was part of the group. This went on until it got bad and I couldn’t control myself anymore. With girlfriends, I was always dependent on them to make me feel good about myself.  I hated myself so much that I felt I needed someone else’s love to feel okay. I have never had a relationship where I didn’t rely on my partner’s feelings to make me feel happy.

Fast forward to my recovery, co-dependency still has been a big issue for me.  I struggle with telling others my true feelings and calling them out for things I don’t feel are right. I know that recovery is a journey and a process.  I know that I’m changing and growing in my relationships through emotional sobriety while maintaining physical sobriety. Sometimes things happen quickly and sometimes slowly, but I know that it will happen if I put the work into it.