In my active addiction, I rejected any idea or concept of God because I had gotten so comfortable living my life fueled by self-will run riot. I didn’t want to believe that anyone or anything in my life had control over me, and I didn’t want to have faith in anything greater than myself because growing up, I felt forsaken by God. I wondered why God didn’t protect me from life and I wondered why he didn’t answer my prayers. When I came into treatment and into the rooms of A.A. it took me a long time to grasp any concept of a Higher Power. I still believed that I had full control over my life, and I wanted to continue to live under my own hand. I learned time and time again that I don’t have control over drugs and alcohol, because I would remain in my own will and use drugs because I had absolutely no control and using drugs was easier than facing myself and living life on life’s terms. I didn’t want to admit that I was powerless over anything in my life. Until I could fully and completely even begin to admit that I was powerless over drugs and alcohol, and that I needed to have faith in something greater than myself, I could not remain clean and sober. I always felt that God was punishing me when I was growing up, and I was blinded by my selfishness and victim complex to ever see any beauty or Blessings in the world. I didn’t believe that Blessings even existed. I truly believed that God would punish me for the rest of my life because I was and felt different from everyone around me.
Being in recovery, and being introduced to a power greater than myself has opened my eyes to so many things that I never thought I would be able to see. It has taken time, patience and a good amount of spiritual searching to get where I am today. Today I am able to wake up and see the beautiful things in life that I am grateful for as well as the way that my Higher Power works in my life- by showing me Blessings that I cannot explain. By putting my faith and will into the hands of my Higher Power, I am able to experience these moments in life that are unexplainable. God-shots is what I like to call them, or in other words, little Blessings that happen out of nowhere that show me that my Higher Power is active in my life and watching over me. And in return when I actively seek a connection with my Higher Power, take the next indicated step and continue to work a program of recovery then my Higher Power presents himself by showing me just how Blessed I am. Six months ago, if you told me that I would be where I am today, I would have called you crazy. Today I have a strong fellowship of women, I have a faith in a Higher Power and I get the opportunity to work my 12 steps and help other Alcoholics. Without my Higher Power I would not be able to experience these Blessings in my life that help me grow on a daily basis.