False-Self

Finding My True-Self through Surrender

False-Self- Recovery Word of the Week  South OC Detox & Treatment-949-584-5927

False-Self- Recovery Word of the Week

South OC Detox & Treatment-949-584-5927

My false-self has lived the majority of my 28 years on earth.  It first began as a child trying to fit in into grade school.  As a child, I felt like I was never accepted as my true-self therefore I learned to change myself in my effort to fit in.  By the time I got to high school I had already had surrounded by myself with the wrong friends, as I masked myself to fit in. All the years of trying to be someone I’m not, left me at a loss for knowing who I truly was. Furthermore, I used drugs to numb myself and the reality of what my life had become.  As the years went by my false- self really took control of my life.  I thought that if I hung out with the “wrong crowd” then people would fear me or just avoid me all-together and I could stay hidden.  This left me feeling lonely, and reinforced my drug-use. I thought that the more drugs I used, the less the loneliness would overtake me. 

There were countless times that I tried to get sober but I refused to get rid of my false-self and my masks.  Due to my unwillingness, I always relapsed shortly after I got sober.  It wasn’t until 2 years ago that I finally surrendered to the process of recovery as I couldn’t go on living that way anymore.  Although it was hard, I began the process of self-discovery and true recovery at South Orange County Detox & Treatment.  I’ve been clean and sober ever since and I became reunited with my true-self again.  I’m no longer a wasted junkie… I’m loving, caring, hardworking, smart and a good human being and nobody can change that.

Letting Go of the Hopelessness of the False-Self

False-Self- Recovery Word of the Week  South OC Detox & Treatment-949-584-5927

False-Self- Recovery Word of the Week

South OC Detox & Treatment-949-584-5927

I never planned or had the aspirations of becoming a drug addict.  I don’t think that anyone does.  As I look back on my life my hero’s or idols were musicians and the whole attitude of sex, drugs, and rock and roll became my persona.  Live fast die young, we all were going to die so why not feel good going down?  This selfish and hopeless attitude or codes carried me well into my twenties.  I am now 30 and back in detox for my addiction to heroin, and have become accustomed to being in treatment programs.   However, the difference this time is that I want recovery now more than ever, and I don’t want to live in that hopeless state again.  Today, I am honest, open-minded, and willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety.

Masks, Disguises, Costumes... The Creation of My False-Persona

False-Self- Recovery Word of the Week  South OC Detox & Treatment-949-584-5927

False-Self- Recovery Word of the Week

South OC Detox & Treatment-949-584-5927

Masks, disguises, costumes.  Ordinary people might dismiss these words as irrelevant or assume that these words don’t apply to daily life, but they do – more that you suspect. How many times have you found yourself in a room of people and thought, “These people aren’t revealing who they truly are”, or, “These people are putting on a front”… We all, at some point in our lives, hide behind a false-persona – a suit we tailored through our own experiences to hide our vulnerabilities and defects and to portray one’s self as one who has no vulnerabilities or character defects.  At least I know I do… and have for many years.  This mask that I wear wasn’t developed at once, but over many years starting from finding my place and identity in my family at a young age.  I’ve built my mask with false confidence glued together with a rigid, steel-like material that I wasn’t able to break free from and reveal myself from until I started working with Salina.  Currently in a relationship I’m trying to rebuild, I’m shedding my disguise and trying to reveal my vulnerabilities, defects and even strengths in order to have a full and meaningful relationship with my girlfriend, the people I love, and most importantly myself. Because if I don’t shed that claustrophobic suit, I’ll never be free.

Creating Different Versions of Myself to Survive Drug Addiction  

False-Self- Recovery Word of the Week  South OC Detox & Treatment-949-584-5927

False-Self- Recovery Word of the Week

South OC Detox & Treatment-949-584-5927

According to the Bible, In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. It’s states that He created the birds of the air, the beasts of the field, and He looked at his creation and he saw that it was good. And then God created man, and it’s been downhill ever since. The story goes on to say that God created man in his own image, but that’s hard to imagine. After all, God made the sun and the moon and the stars, and all man makes is trouble. Most of us addicts aren't known for being warm and cuddly. More often than not while using, and early on in recovery, we’re arrogant, impatient, mean... not very God-like if you ask me. You’d think we wouldn't have friends, because who could stand us? We’re not living in congruence with our true-self. Yet paradoxically this desire for a sense of belonging can result in less authenticity because we’re trying to impress others or fit in. All we want is a connection to others, but we can’t truly have a sense of belonging when we’re not ourselves. 

In active addiction I had to continuously reinvent myself, almost every minute, because my world could (and would) change in an instant – and there was no time for looking back. Sometimes the changes were forced on me. Sometimes they happened by accident and I had to make the most of them. I had to constantly come up with new ways to ‘fix’ myself. So, I changed, I adapted, I created new versions of myself that usually weren’t consistent with my true-self or in line with my morals and values. Addict or not, there’s constant pressure to adapt to changes. It can be a painful process. But without it, you’ll find yourself moving backwards instead of forwards.  But now that I’m in recovery, I’m always trying to ensure this new version is an improvement over the last, that it’s authentic. Enlightenment is a destructive process; it takes away all you think you know. It’s a blessing that feels like an injustice, and for me one that will likely last a lifetime. It’s not one ‘aha’ moment, it’s a continual process – one step forward, two steps back. I’m constantly learning, like an infant, because essentially that’s what I am early on in recovery; I’m being reborn.  It might be hard for us to admit, but there’s no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you are. A little self-awareness never hurt anyone. Because when you know who you are it’s easier to know what you’re about and what you really need.