Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go. Time. Time is a strange thing. When you're waiting for something to happen, it can feel like time is dragging on. But when you want it to slow down, it goes by in the blink of an eye. Patience has never been my strong suit. In active addiction I was always waiting for something – waiting for the drug dealer, waiting for the next shot, waiting for my next paycheck, waiting to feel better. And in early recovery, I’ve noticed my patience hasn’t improved as much as I’d have hoped. It doesn’t help that the things I’m waiting for and working towards now are much more substantial than a sack of dope. Waiting for the grief after the loss of my boyfriend to subside, waiting to see if the company I started will be successful, waiting to figure out what my living situation will be. Can I make it on my own, or will I have to move in with my parents as a new mom myself?
I think for anyone, addict or not, at times it feels like the waiting can kill you. You make a decision and then the world has to turn. The consequences unfold, out of your hands. There’s only one thing that seems clear in those quiet moments while you wait: whatever you chose, was wrong. We just want to survive the storm. We pray, please God, just get me to the other side. We never imagine what it will be like when we get there. What if, when the storm passes, nothing’s left? I always said I could handle anything. I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things. Sometimes the whole world seems upside down. And then somehow, improbably, and when you least expect it, the whole world rights itself again. All I can do now is continue doing the right thing, and patiently wait and pray that my world turns back to something resembling right side up again.
I spend a lot of time worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future – as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home to my deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain, when it finally reveals itself, the future is never the way I imagined it.