In the misery of addiction, I told myself “I don’t deserve love”. “I’m not worthy of love”. “I’ll never be happy”. You see, I thought that love had to be earned. I convinced myself that I had to be worthy of it or deserving of it, and so my happiness was tied to this belief. My self-satisfaction came from my ability to earn love. I told myself I was not deserving of love, therefore I wasn't deserving of happiness. Despite my efforts, I could never "earn" or experience the love that I so deeply desired.
I know today that love isn't earned, It’s given. In Sobriety, through my new pair of eyes, I can see that I, myself, made it hard to see love. Maybe my dad didn’t know how to say it, but it was there. Maybe my mom was shouting it, but my own demons were too loud for me to hear. I was blind to love because I had lost the love for myself. Who was I before life started to happen? Who was I before I began to live in this drug filled illusion? As a kid, I just remember feeling, It was something that just flowed. It was the times of jumping on the bed laughing or when I would play catch with my mom or dad with the baseball. Love wasn’t discovering anything or anyone else, it was all about discovery ME. Once I discovered my true self in sobriety, I discovered love. It was then that I realized the very thing that I desired was something I have the ability to give to others.
Now, I am able to experience love, because I have it in me. I give it to strangers, I give it to friends who are still struggling with addiction, I give it to others in pain; to enemies, to those who left me, those who couldn’t stay, and to those who’ve forgotten how to find it. Love was always there.. Love is in all of us...When we are able to discover love, we become what we are meant to be, together.