As an addict, I know the feeling all too well of being misunderstood. We try again and again to get our voices heard. We are stuck living in the shadows of our true self; the one that wants to be honest, the one that wants to love, the one that wants to be happy. We feel trapped living this double life, where part of us showing people the real us, the other that wants to lock ourselves in a room and drowned our emotions. But, how do we get there? How does this change?
Before getting sober, I truly believed that I was a lost cause and that living a life full of drugs and alcohol was going to be my demise. To an extent, I was okay with that. I cared about nobody, and I thought the drugs taking care of me. They knew how to make me feel better and they kept me company when no one else was around. I tried countless times to stop, whether it be on my own or in treatment but, I always ended up back to the beginning, broken down, beaten, & defeated. I could never figure out the cause of why I went back out. I would tell myself if I could stop using for 30, 60, 90 days then everything would magically get better, I would have relationships with my family back. I would have this great job, making great money and with a great life. But, in reality I was never really willing to do the work.
I realized that I had to make some serious changes if I wanted a life that I only dreamt of having. I had to stop trying to control every aspect of my life. Because in all reality, where had that really gotten me? Minutes from death, endless hospital bills, months and months in jail and deep pain for my family. Once I came to the conclusion that “My Way or The Highway” wasn’t the best option, then I was able to start making progress.
Two years ago when entering treatment, I was willing to give it all up. I was willing to take direction and to let someone else take the reins on my decisions. I became comfortable in uncomfortable situations, doing things that I didn’t want to do, and learning new tools along the way that help me to become a better person. Today, I have healthy and honest relationships. I have a life I never could have imagined. I made the choice to change my thoughts and my actions, and I was willing to try something new. Today, if you were to ask me if I am happy, I can truthfully respond with, “yes”, and believe it. Due to the simple fact that I wake up each day and choose to no longer be bound to the harsh reality of believing I need a substance to feel or act a certain way. When you become willing, the possibilities are endless.
So, for all of you out there who are trying to get sober who continue to fail, try to grab onto that last bit of hope that you have left and don’t let it go. Give up the power and control that drugs and alcohol have over your life. You can start to make the change today, by telling yourself “I’m willing and ready to try something different”.