When I first came into treatment here at SOCD the only trust I had was for my drugs. I trusted that they would make me feel good when I had them and I trusted that I would feel horrible without them. This trust never changed. For people on the other hand they have let me down so many times that I’ve given up on any trust. I am still working on my trust with others, but I know that the rapport between me and SOCD is solid and I trust Salina with everything.
Trust is a funny word. Trust and respect go hand in hand for me. If I have a hard time trusting someone, then I don’t respect them. I feel that if someone can’t keep my trust that it shows the depth of their maturity. You either trust your word to be safe with someone, or you don't. The way I start to trust someone is by testing them; giving them information that seems vulnerable to me and see what they do with it. In my addiction, I played by the rules of "No Honor Amongst Thieves", that way I didn’t leave myself open to getting let down. Now in recovery, I try to be trustworthy and typically people trust me before I trust them. With that being said, when I feel the need to have someone be a "Man (Or, Women) of their Word" they already know their words has been safe with me. Trust is a tricky word that doesn’t come cheap with me.
Lack of trust has been a struggle for me since a very early age. With an alcoholic mother and absent father, I learned there was not much I could trust. I learned I couldn’t trust men to stick around so I wouldn’t even let them close to begin with and if I did, I clung on for dear life, praying they wouldn’t leave like my father. With all the chaos and inconsistency from my mother’s drinking, I began to realize I could only rely on myself. Others were not to be trusted. Carrying this unhealthy belief on through the years has hindered me in making real connection with others. I told myself people lie, people leave, and people hurt. In my long journey to getting sober I started to realize it is critical I learn to trust. I realized I have been trusting the wrong people. Trust is mutual and trust is earned. My first trusting relationship I built was with my higher power. I realized through God I could learn to trust in myself and eventually in other people. It is a process and I don’t trust myself some days but I do know if I am willing to trust, God has a plan for me and he can carry my burdens that I no longer have to worry and fear and that is more than I could ever hope for. Today, because of trust, I can finally be peaceful and free.
In emotional sobriety trust is a key factor. Having trust in someone or something is filled with uncertainty and takes away from the sense of control that is fabricated in our minds. The lack of trust serves as a defense mechanism to avoid failing or being hurt. I often did not trust in my abilities with running; I had doubt and did not want to believe what my coaches thought I was capable of achieving due to my fear of not meeting expectations. Whether I ran well in practice or has a good race it was still not enough to trust my abilities. I was filled with self-doubt which effected the way I ran. I ran scared and afraid to go fast. I was intimidated at every race I went to because I believed that everyone else was better and that I did not belong. I set myself up to fail by putting little effort into my training so I did not disappoint myself when I fell short of my goals. Eventually for one of my races I became so disassociated with the thought of competition I started to have fun and disregarded the competition and time. By having fun and not caring about the clock I was able to meet the goal times that were envisioned. I was capable but the lack of trust I had within myself would not show my true potential. After this race I began to trust myself more and did not let fear intervene with my goals. I also learned to embrace failure and to use it as a learning opportunity for improvement. Once I began to let go of the desire and stubbornness to control I was able to grow and unleash my talents freely without fear. Learning to trust myself has also allowed me to have more trust in others. Trusting the advice from others, without being fearful, has led me to grow and has given me new insight to matters that I would have not learned unless I trusted the guidance of others.
When I was a child trust was ruined by the physical and verbal abuse from my family. I don’t think I even really knew what it meant to trust someone. As I got older I started to let my barriers down and soon after I was let down again. When I would start to trust someone they would betray me. I lived my life by the “trust no one” rule. Most of the time it served me well, keeping me out of trouble and dangerous situations. But, there was also a good percentage of people that could have made a positive change in my life if I would have trusted them. Life got harder and harder, the physical and mental damage of drugs took a toll on me.
For 26 years I was hoping that I can crawl out of the void I’ve been living in, until I came to SOCD I can say with 100% honesty that SOCD’s staff and clients were easy to get along with. I knew this was my safe haven because it feels like you are living at home. The program director helped with my addictions, the fear that I carried inside, and also found the underlying issues that I struggled with. I now have 9 months of sobriety, the most I have ever had, and I wouldn’t have been able to do it without SOCD.
When thinking of trust and someone struggling with substance abuse, your mind might automatically think about the damage and chaos created by the addict’s behaviors. “I don’t trust to leave my wallet around her”. “I don’t believe you are going to do what you say you will do”. If you are an addict, or know an addict, you are familiar with the lies, deception, and broken promises that shatter trust. But, do we think about the broken trust the addict experienced? At South Orange County Detox & Treatment, clients are encouraged to share the situations they experienced that created their lack of trust. Often, a lack of trust arises from abuse, disloyalty, manipulation and fear. Learning to gain trust with the healthy people in a client’s life is an important part of recovery. Rebuilding trust in recovery requires courage to be honest about the pain we experienced, an open mind to explore the feelings this generated, and vulnerability to begin to trust again. Once trust is rebuilt and strengthened, relationships
For myself, trust in recovery has played a big part in having faith and knowing that life is going to get better as long I maintained trust. Since this has played out to be true, my trust has grown. Since being in recovery, step by step I have placed my trust in places I normally wouldn’t. Trusting in Salina and emerging myself in her directions has been the one place I have not been let down.
The process of recovery isn't an easy road, but if trusted and done right, the risk is well worth the reward. My recovery wouldn’t be where it is today without pushing myself to put trust in foreign places. In recovery, sacrifices have to be made, whether they are uncomfortable or comfortable. When you learn to place trust in the process and acceptance of surrendering it gives you the freedom to live in the presence of now, instead of when and then.
The many years I spent residing in my addiction left me depleted and scattered; I was left questioning, “who am I?” Salina and SOCD have helped to restore and realign my moral compass and to help find my identity. Throughout this process I’ve come to the realization that trust has been lacking in my life and it affects me more than I’d like to see.
Addiction had poisoned me and left me untrustworthy. I had ruined every good relationship that meant something to me. Shame and guilt only worsened, eating away at me like vultures on a corpse. Not only was I untrustworthy but I couldn’t trust others, for my deceit and manipulations had infiltrated to my very core. I thought that since I was scheming and conning others must be doing the same to me. Now, with the right guidance I’ve been able to build and be a part of healthy and productive relationships- not only with others but also with myself. I’m able to be a good friend, a good son, and brother, who is dependable, helpful, and trusted. I’m able to take suggestions today because I trust those around me and trust that they have my best interest at heart. Most importantly I trust myself to accomplish my hopes, dreams and goals that I set today.