Not only has anger been a huge part of my addiction, but it has also been something that I have had to work on throughout my recovery and will be something I will have to work on through the rest of my life. To me, my anger leads me to resentments, and resentments is typically what causes me to relapse in most cases. Usually, my anger starts within myself, for example if I do something wrong and someone calls me out on my negative behavior, I tend to get angry because I want to be stuck in that negative thinking and negative actions. This then leads to me blaming others for my actions and my wrong doings and also victimizing myself and getting down on myself. Usually when I do this, I want people to feel bad for me and like people say “misery loves company.” These patterns have come up while I’ve been using and also when I’ve been sober. This behavior can most certainly cause unjustified resentments. Another way I’ve shown anger both in active addiction and recovery is if somebody wrongs me or hurts me, this makes me feel not loved, unworthy, and not accepted. These feelings can defiantly bring me down and put me in a bad spot and cause me to become angry. I feel like there is so much anger and hate in the world today, so many horrible things happen each and every day and effect so many people in so many different ways. While in recovery, I’ve been taught to deal with my anger and resentments in a healthier way rather than dealing with them like I would in the past by using drugs and at times violence or fighting. When I get angry today, I try to think about both parts, my part and the other person’s part and try to realize that they are sick and pray for them and let go of my anger or resentment. I am by no means perfect and still have much work to do because at time’s I can still get caught up in my anger and resentments and blame other people for my wrong doings, make myself the victim and let the anger fester which is not good for me. I have come to realize that my anger affects no one except for myself which is why I need to be mindful daily to make sure I am conscious of my actions and my behaviors and show love to everyone.
My anger doesn’t serve a use full purpose for me. When I’m angry my decision making is affected and I lose track of the purpose of the bigger picture. In recovery when I entertain my anger I see the patterns of self-destruction infect my ability to see things clearly. Getting through episodes of anger help me see the things I was blinded to when I come out the other side. Anger for me is sad because of how destructive my patterns and behaviors are effected. In recovery I could go without anger because when I’m not angry and resentful I feel my mind to be on track verses when I’m angry and closed minded and emotionally blinded.
Anger has been a huge contributing factor in my addiction. When I am angry I used to solve the issue by getting physical with the person. I had no conception of the problem driving the anger and could not identify the underlying emotions driving the anger. I would try stuffing the anger until I had an outburst and when I got to that point I had no conception of consequences. I would be focused solely on the problem instead of looking for solution because at that point the anger is used as a drug and it feels good. I have learned that I no longer have to live that way. Anger is a drug that has kept me sick and I had to really spend time identifying the underlying emotions with the help of Salina and SOCD. I have started to learn to control myself and my actions. Once you identify the underlying emotion it takes the power out of the anger and releases its ties that controlled me. I can now learn about myself by identifying the true problem and control how I respond to things.